Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
