Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
being pregnant is like rehab
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
