hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
