You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
