I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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