Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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