I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
