I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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