her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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