I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
