The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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