dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
