I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
