I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
