i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
