Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
