life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I cockslap morals
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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