My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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