Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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