if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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