Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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