Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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