I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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