I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
