His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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