this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
