I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
