Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
