Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
