apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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