My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
