HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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