He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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