there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
