Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
