Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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