I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Life is so much better after having sex.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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