Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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