walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
