WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My liver just had a heart attack.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
