Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
