listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
