i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
