I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
