3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
