all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
