Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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