can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
