I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
