Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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